Sunday morning at St. Mungo's: the Musical

This is a brief comic musical (10-15 minutes) that is suitable as an item in a concert for a local congregation. 

It requires a narrator, a small choir, and an accompanist on piano or keyboard.  The choir doesn't need to be a professional choir, such as those who make world tours based from Vienna, Cambridge, or Salt Lake City.  A small group of people who can carry a tune, and who have a sense of humour would be excellent.  (Much of the humour in this is based on the choir making improvised visual responses to whatever is going on, as well as in occasionally miming the words to the hymn parodies.)

"St. Mungo's" is a fictional congregation.  (There really was a St. Mungo.  He's the patron saint of the city of Glasgow ... the one in Scotland, not the one in Montana.  The name is funny though.)  "St. Mungo's" is one of my collection of funny church names, along with "The First Corinthian Free-for-all Triple-Immersion Revival Church (Inc.)" and "Our Lady of Perpetual Fund-Raising". 

My permission is given for you to use this musical in your local setting.  Please make the following note in your programme "Copyright 2013, Bob Faser.  Used by permission."

By the way, any bits [in square brackets and italicised] are directions to the performers and should not be read.

And now, here it is  ...  "Sunday Morning at St. Mungo's:  the Musical".

***

NARRATOR:    Welcome to St. Mungo's Uniting Church in the community of Wobbly Bridge, Tasmania. (1)   Sunday morning worship is about to start.  The minister (2) is robing up.  The organist is having a quick pre-service cigarette out behind the vestry.  The Praise Band is warming up, and the people who stand in the foyer talking until the Praise Band has finished their gig are still catching up with each other.  Let's leave the crowds in the foyer and join in some of the singing with the Praise Band and their supporters.

CHOIR:  (singing, to the tune of MAJESTY, by Jack Hayford):

Choruses!  They're singing choruses.
They are senseless, repetitious, and a bore.
Choruses, we can't stand choruses.
Humour our whims.  Let's sing some hymns once more.
It's time for alarm when I see an arm
waving near my head.
Song leader says, "Stand.  Let's all join hands."
I turn bright red.
Choruses!  Please no more choruses.
Humour our whims.  Let's sing some hymns once more.

NARRATOR:   And, of course, whenever you sing a chorus like this, you're required to sing it through at least twice.

CHOIR:

Choruses!  They're singing choruses.
They are senseless, repetitious, and a bore.
Choruses, we can't stand choruses.
Humour our whims.  Let's sing some hymns once more.
It's time for alarm when I see an arm
waving near my head.
Song leader says, "Stand.  Let's all join hands."
I turn bright red.
Choruses!  Please no more choruses.
Humour our whims.  Let's sing some hymns once more.

NARRATOR:    And, in addition to these "choruses" and "worship songs", there may be one or two songs tossed in for the sake of those worshippers who may be "Baby Boomers".  They're called "folk hymns".  These were the songs that emerged in the Catholic Church in the years after the Second Vatican Council.  These songs were pretty good.  The only problem was that some copyright issues developed with some of these songs, and there were some messy lawsuits.  Ironically, the messiest lawsuit involved a song with the title "And they'll know we are Christians by our love".

CHOIR:  (Singing, to the tune of "And they'll know we are Christians by our love", by Peter Scholtes)

Oh, Saint Pat's has a folk Mass every Saturday night.
The homily's short and the singing is bright.
A lawyer in the back row's taking notes with delight.
So be sure that you get the copyright right.
Oh be sure that you get the copyright right.

NARRATOR:   And now a few things are changing. 

The organist arrives in the organ loft after his pre-service cigarette. 

The minister is robed up and arrives in the chancel. 

And as far as the people who were hanging around in the foyer waiting for the Praise Band to stop are concerned, they wind up their conversations and enter the service. 

The organist begins the prelude.  [Accompanist plays a few bars of Bach's Sheep shall safely graze.] 

And the Praise Band decides to head off to the service at the Assembly of God to check out the band there.  ...

For the early part of the service, the minister has chosen a Taize chant to go with the prayers.  ... Now, a Taize chant is a bit like a chorus, only using music. Occasionally, Taize chants are in Latin, which presents a few issues. 

People who don't like Taize chants say things such as "It's in Latin, isn't that [horrified] Catholic?"  ... or "It's in Latin, isn't that [horrified] New Age?" ... or "It's in Latin; aren't we supposed to dumb things down for the sake of [solemnly and with reverence] OUTREACH?"  ...

Meanwhile, those who like Taize chants will say things like "It's in Latin [rubbing hands together with enthusiasm]; aren't we intelligent, aren't we sophisticated; aren't we ecumenical?"  ...

This Taize chant was written by a new member of the Taize community.  His high school Latin was a bit rusty, but he was very enthusiastic.  His superiors at Taize decided to publish it to encourage him and thought that no congregation would ever really use it.  But they don't know St. Mungo's.

CHOIR:  (Singing, to the tune of "Ubi Caritas", by the Taize Community):

Bona fide.  De facto.
Et cetera.  Ad nauseam.

[Repeat this multiple times, in the way a Taize chant is repeated multiple times.  Members of the choir should start to look tired.  Some should yawn and sit down, and drop off to sleep, with the accompanist and narrator seeming oblivious to this.  Eventually, only one choir member is awake and singing a solo, while the other choir members are snoring.  This choir member is trying to catch the attention of the accompanist so that the music can cease.  Eventually, the accompanist notices this, and brings the music to a close.]

NARRATOR:      And then, the children's talk takes place, and the minister fields a few thorny questions about "Who made God?"  The kids go off to their activities.  [Accompanist plays a few bars of "Jesus loves me, this I know."]

After this we have some lessons from scripture.  [Accompanist plays a few bars of Gershwin's "It ain't necessarily so."]

The lessons are followed by the sermon.  [Accompanist plays a few bars of Brahms's Lullaby.]

Associated with the sermon, there will be a few traditional-style hymns.  Traditional-style hymns are what gives the music of the service its theological bite and, of course, one person's "theological bite" is the next person's "heresy".

If, for example, the minister uses the sermon to give the congregation a guilt trip about something, "God gives us a future" is the preferred hymn to sing with the sermon.  [Accompanist plays a few bars of "God gives us a future".]

If, on the other hand, the minister is trying to apologise for the previous week's guilt trip, the hymn associated with the sermon could be "God is love, let heaven adore him", "There's a wideness in God's mercy", or "Come as you are".  [Accompanist plays a few bars of one of these.]

But then, if the minister's sermon indicates some level of disagreement with one of the Scripture lessons, whether it's a more "progressive" minister disagreeing with something Paul said or a more "conservative" minister disagreeing with something Jesus said, nothing beats "We limit not the truth of God".  [Accompanist plays a few bars thereof.]

Moving on, then it's time for the prayers of intercession.  [Accompanist plays a few bars of Janis Joplin's "Oh, Lord won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?"]

The  notices follow.  [Accompanist plays a few bars of "Rock-a-bye, baby".]

And then there's the offering.  [Accompanist plays a few bars of ABBA's "Money, money, money".]

The children return to tell the congregation what they did during their activities [Accompanist plays a few bars of "Jesus loves the little children".]  giving the minster another unsuccessful shot at "Who made God".

And then it's time for the final hymn.  Now, in recent months, a number of members of the congregation have been heard telling their friends in other churches, [in a whiny, complaining voice] "Oh, our music is dreadful at St. Mungo's.  If it's not that modern rubbish, it's all highbrow stuff."  So, the minister and elders decided to end each service with something that was obviously neither "modern" nor "highbrow" ... in other words, a "gospel hymn". ... 

While gospel hymns arose in the more "religious" sort of churches, they are also popular among many members of churches like St. Mungo's, churches where the words of the hymns don't always reflect the beliefs of the worshippers.  Part of the reason for this, I believe, is that it brings back childhood memories of visiting elderly relatives who were people of a plain-spoken, pietist faith, and who were warm, generous, hospitable, kindly people ... even if they did believe in the total depravity of humanity and the eternal damnation of the unregenerate, among whose  number they would have considered most of today's members of St. Mungo's.

And, by the way, the Praise Band has returned from checking out the band at the AOG.  So the pipe organ will be joined by electric guitar, electric bass, and a full drum kit for this final hymn.  Isn't it exciting?  Isn't it ecumenical?

CHOIR:   (singing, to the tune of "To God be the glory" by Fanny Crosby):

My auntie's "religious".  She's been so for years.
At her church there are many like-minded old dears.
They sing gospel hymns to the tunes Sankey set.
The tunes you'll remember.  The words you'll forget.

The refrain!  The refrain!  How it pounds in my ear!
Numbs the brain!  Numbs the brain!  And it drives me to tears!
It's time for decision; it's your chance to choose
no dancing, no movies, no make-up, no booze!

And so we continue for three or so verses,
while under my breath I am mumbling curses,
and (just as my stamina's starting to falter)
we sing it again as we're called to the altar.

The refrain!  The refrain!  How it pounds in my ear!
Numbs the brain!  Numbs the brain!  And it drives me to tears!
It's time for decision; it's your chance to choose
no dancing, no movies, no make-up, no booze!

NARRATOR:    And now it's time for the Benediction, and following the Benediction, the congregation sings once more, this time holding hands.  (The elders still haven't got around to reading the denomination's paper on avoiding sexual harassment in the congregation.)  But, don't worry, we won't ask you to hold hands.  (I've read the harassment paper.)  But, anyway, good night and may the Ground of All Being bless you all real good.

CHOIR:   (singing, to the tune of "Now unto him" as found in Scripture in Song.)

Now, it is time, it is time to go home.
The service is finally over.
Home to watch the football, or mow the lawn, or eat our lunch
with exceeding joy.
And at night we'll watch an ABC drama
or something on SBS.  (3)
While eating some pizza  (4)
or Chinese takeaway.
Ah .... men.

***

NOTES

(1)  In performance, please feel free to make St. Mungo's a congregation of whichever denomination your congregation is part.  Also, you may locate Wobbly Bridge in whichever state, province, or county you find yourselves.

(2)  In performance, please feel free to refer to the minister by whatever term you use to describe the minister (rector, vicar, parish priest, pastor ...) in your congregation, and to adapt any other bits of denominational jargon.

(3)  These are the words for use in Australia.  In the US, it could be "And at night we'll watch the History Channel / or something on PBS."  In the UK, it could be "And at night we'll watch a BBC drama / or something on Channel Four."   (Etc.)   The choice of TV viewing reflects the middle-class nature of a congregation such as St. Mungo's.

(4)  Eating "some pizza" may work in most of the world.  On the west coast of the United States, or in the Southwest, this may be eating "some tacos".  In the UK, this could be eating "a curry".  Anywhere else, this could be whatever happens to be the popular takeaway food in your area.